Looking for my Flow
I read a neat thing today about Flow State . Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi writes about it and defines 8 characteristics universally found in states of Flow. He basically defines it as a place you go to when you are hyper-focused, and at peace with and enjoying what you are doing. Time flies, distractions (internal and external) cease to be relevant, and what one does becomes autotelic, or worth doing for its own sake.
The website goes on to ask:
1. Can you think of any times in your own life what you have been in a state of complete hyper-concentration?
2. What were those times?
3. What conditions existed in order for that state to occur?
I stopped and thought about it, and the last time I can remember feeling like that was when I was directing a scene from Spinning Into Butter by Rebecca Gilman. I had Brian Bush and Erin Ogden as my actors, and the whole thing went fantastically. It was a living, breathing piece of art that I had created, nurtured, and finally released full-grown to stand on it's own on stage. I couldn't have been prouder of the result.
When I think back on my (absolutely wonderful) college carreer in Theatre, that is the most shining moment. I enjoyed designing, but I didn't consider myself good enough to continue. My Stop Kiss sound design was great and fantastically recieved, but it was just song selection, no engineering. Lights are fun, but I'm not an electricion. Despite calling myself a Tech, Stage Managing was the only thing I was ever really comforatble with. I liked the artistic aspect of the other, but the nuts of bolts of the things were always too scary and difficult.
Just like stage construction. I could do it, but it never came naturally. I had to drill it into my head every step of the way. If I took any time off at all, I would lose huge amounts of skill.
SMing was fun, it filled my power-lust, and I was naturally good at it. Not fantastic, but more than good enough. My interpersonal skills made up for what I lacked in organization.
I called myself an SM because it was the practical, pragmatic way to go. I was going out on a limb enough as it was doing Theatre. Trying to be an actor or director is not a profitable move. Stick with the safe path. Go with what will benifit most, even if that benifit isn't in the most important place: the soul.
I like my current job. It's a good office full of fun people. Answering emails is starting to get dull and annoying, but I'm still quite good at it. I do really want to go to the Very Exotic Place come November. Apparently our office there is 10 minutes from the beach. It sounds like absolute Paradise. But I miss home. And I wonder if I could handle another year of this, even in Paradise. If I went, I'd feel obligated to stay long enough to make it worth the company's time and money. That's six months to a year, at least. If I'm just going to be doing Cusotmer Service the whole time, with no chance to advancement, I'm not so sure now.
So what does all this boil down to? I don't know. I miss home and friends fiercely, and I'm starting to get a mean Theatre bug. I want to act and direct. That almost certainly means Grad School. I'm becoming more certain that Grad School is in my future. Not immeditately, but there are things I still want to do that would be extremely difficult outside of the academic environment.
I really don't know. I've gotten over my "fuck america, i'm never coming back" phase. The Rockies call my name, even from this distance. Euorpe will definitely be revisited, as well as other parts of the world. But I don't think it will ever be home. That honor is reserved for 20 acres of pine forest at the tip of Idaho.
I don't know. I'm rambling. I need to find my Flow, and it isn't here. I may be offered a once in a lifetime chance soon, but I don't want it to turn into a trap with fantastic scenery.
I just don't know.
The website goes on to ask:
1. Can you think of any times in your own life what you have been in a state of complete hyper-concentration?
2. What were those times?
3. What conditions existed in order for that state to occur?
I stopped and thought about it, and the last time I can remember feeling like that was when I was directing a scene from Spinning Into Butter by Rebecca Gilman. I had Brian Bush and Erin Ogden as my actors, and the whole thing went fantastically. It was a living, breathing piece of art that I had created, nurtured, and finally released full-grown to stand on it's own on stage. I couldn't have been prouder of the result.
When I think back on my (absolutely wonderful) college carreer in Theatre, that is the most shining moment. I enjoyed designing, but I didn't consider myself good enough to continue. My Stop Kiss sound design was great and fantastically recieved, but it was just song selection, no engineering. Lights are fun, but I'm not an electricion. Despite calling myself a Tech, Stage Managing was the only thing I was ever really comforatble with. I liked the artistic aspect of the other, but the nuts of bolts of the things were always too scary and difficult.
Just like stage construction. I could do it, but it never came naturally. I had to drill it into my head every step of the way. If I took any time off at all, I would lose huge amounts of skill.
SMing was fun, it filled my power-lust, and I was naturally good at it. Not fantastic, but more than good enough. My interpersonal skills made up for what I lacked in organization.
I called myself an SM because it was the practical, pragmatic way to go. I was going out on a limb enough as it was doing Theatre. Trying to be an actor or director is not a profitable move. Stick with the safe path. Go with what will benifit most, even if that benifit isn't in the most important place: the soul.
I like my current job. It's a good office full of fun people. Answering emails is starting to get dull and annoying, but I'm still quite good at it. I do really want to go to the Very Exotic Place come November. Apparently our office there is 10 minutes from the beach. It sounds like absolute Paradise. But I miss home. And I wonder if I could handle another year of this, even in Paradise. If I went, I'd feel obligated to stay long enough to make it worth the company's time and money. That's six months to a year, at least. If I'm just going to be doing Cusotmer Service the whole time, with no chance to advancement, I'm not so sure now.
So what does all this boil down to? I don't know. I miss home and friends fiercely, and I'm starting to get a mean Theatre bug. I want to act and direct. That almost certainly means Grad School. I'm becoming more certain that Grad School is in my future. Not immeditately, but there are things I still want to do that would be extremely difficult outside of the academic environment.
I really don't know. I've gotten over my "fuck america, i'm never coming back" phase. The Rockies call my name, even from this distance. Euorpe will definitely be revisited, as well as other parts of the world. But I don't think it will ever be home. That honor is reserved for 20 acres of pine forest at the tip of Idaho.
I don't know. I'm rambling. I need to find my Flow, and it isn't here. I may be offered a once in a lifetime chance soon, but I don't want it to turn into a trap with fantastic scenery.
I just don't know.
posted by BAA at 5:34 AM
3 Comments:
A couple of (unsolicited) thoughts from someone with a few more years' experience, so feel free to disregard if you so choose:
1) Being successful as an actor or director does not always mean grad school. I chose to go back to school to kickstart myself and boost my work to a new level (and to be able to teach), but I was working pretty consistently without the MFA.
2) Most theatre practitioners have day jobs, frequently in "dead end" areas like customer service. And in many cities, the theatre world has adapted to this necessity. In many, many places, unless you're doing union work, rehearsals are in the evenings because everybody has an office job to come from. I know many theatre professionals who are also teachers, secretaries or computer programmers.
3)Instead of worrying about jeopardizing your future with a customer service job, think about what you're getting out of the situation you're in right now. You're living in Europe. You're paying your bills. You're getting to see and experience things you can't do over here.
If you're not happy with the not working in theatre part, change it. Get involved. Create your own. Many of the fringe festival people you saw in Edinburgh do what they do on extremely limited resources. They may have sucky jobs too.
The loveliest aspect of theatre, from my point of view, is that the only true limit is imagination.
If you're not happy with the living in Europe part, change it. Come home. Find a city to live in here and do the things you can only do in America.
But don't worry that at 23-24 years of age a couple of years in a seeming dead-end job will destroy your chances. In a few more years you'll have a home and a family and/or other responsibilities, and a life like you're living now will be impossible.
Okay. Stepping back off my soap box now.
Some quotes about jobs for you:
A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward. ~George Jean Nathan
The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play. ~Arnold Toynbee
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. ~Confucius
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. ~Paula Poundstone
And finally, a very good piece of advice
You cannot help but learn more as you take the world into your hands. Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it. ~John Updike
Take care, Brett :)
Good for you man- sometimes its the hardest to understand what you really like doing. I say go for whatmoves you,and if you begin to see thats not your style- try something else- why the hell not?
Hopeisee you soon, man.
enjoy life,
~dangergarrison
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